If you were the kind of child who felt disappointed after scoring 98% on a test, or who couldn’t shake the guilt of missing a single goal during a game, chances are you weren’t just motivated—you were a perfectionist in the making. Having high standards can push a person to succeed, but when perfectionism becomes a measure of self-worth, it often leaves deeper marks that follow into adulthood.
According to psychologist Dr. Emily Guarnotta, Psy.D., PMH-C, perfectionism often begins as a coping mechanism in childhood but can evolve into habits that limit emotional well-being later in life. “Sometimes the traits that helped us as children can actually hold us back as adults,” she explains. Recognizing where these patterns come from is the first step to healing them.
Let’s explore what perfectionism really means, why it often takes root in childhood, and the adult behaviors it tends to shape—plus how one can begin to recover from its grip.
Understanding Perfectionism: Why It Starts Early
Perfectionism isn’t just about aiming high or striving for success. It’s a belief system—one that quietly tells a child that being loved, accepted, or safe depends on flawless performance.
Dr. Guarnotta describes perfectionism as “a belief that our worth depends on being completely free of flaws.” For children, this belief can form in many ways—through demanding environments, strict expectations, or even subtle praise for achievements rather than effort.
If a child constantly hears, “You did great because you won,” they might start to link their value to success. Over time, this mindset can turn into anxiety, fear of failure, and an inability to see mistakes as part of growth. Unfortunately, this also prevents them from developing resilience—the skill of learning through trial and error.
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8 Traits Commonly Found in Adults Who Were Childhood Perfectionists
Childhood perfectionism doesn’t disappear with age—it just changes form. Below are eight common traits adults may exhibit if perfectionism shaped their early years.
1. High-Functioning Anxiety
From the outside, they seem unstoppable—organized, competent, and always achieving. But beneath that polished surface lies a constant hum of anxiety. Adults who were childhood perfectionists often worry they’ll never be “good enough.”
Dr. Guarnotta explains, “Perfectionism becomes a coping mechanism that provides temporary relief from anxiety.” Unfortunately, that relief fades quickly, leading to an endless cycle of worry and overwork.
2. A Harsh Inner Critic
Inside every perfectionist lives an internal voice that’s rarely kind. It whispers things like, You should’ve done better, or That wasn’t enough. This inner critic often mimics the tone of a parent, teacher, or coach from childhood.
“This voice is constantly judging,” says Dr. Guarnotta. “It keeps a person in a loop of self-doubt and dissatisfaction.” Learning to recognize this inner critic is essential to softening its control.
3. Indecisiveness and ‘Analysis Paralysis’
For many perfectionists, making even small decisions feels daunting. They fear choosing the wrong option and facing failure or criticism. As a result, they overanalyze, delay, or avoid decisions altogether.
This pattern, known as analysis paralysis, stems from the unrealistic belief that every decision must be perfect. Ironically, it often causes more stress than the choices themselves.
4. Procrastination in Disguise
While procrastination might seem at odds with perfectionism, they often go hand in hand. When someone fears their work won’t meet impossibly high standards, it can feel safer not to start at all.
“Many perfectionists delay tasks to avoid the anxiety of potential failure,” Dr. Guarnotta says. The temporary comfort of putting things off, however, usually leads to guilt and more pressure later.
5. Reluctance to Delegate
For those who grew up feeling that success was tied to doing everything flawlessly, trusting others with tasks can feel uncomfortable. Perfectionists often believe that “if you want something done right, you have to do it yourself.”
This mindset can lead to chronic stress, overwork, and burnout. The inability to share responsibility isn’t about control—it’s about fear of imperfection and the discomfort of letting go.
6. Chronic Burnout
Burnout is one of the most common consequences of lifelong perfectionism. When the drive to meet sky-high standards never stops, exhaustion eventually sets in.
“This happens when people function at a high level of stress for too long,” says Dr. Guarnotta. The result? Emotional fatigue, anxiety, depression, and sometimes physical illness. For perfectionists, rest can feel like weakness, but it’s often what they need most.
7. Fear of Vulnerability and Intimacy
Perfectionists often struggle in close relationships. They may keep emotional walls up, fearing that if someone sees their flaws, they’ll be rejected.
“Many worry that their perceived unworthiness will be revealed,” Dr. Guarnotta explains. This fear can make them withdraw, avoid deep connections, or maintain relationships that feel emotionally distant.
8. Difficulty Celebrating Success
Even when perfectionists achieve something great, they often feel little satisfaction. That momentary joy fades quickly, replaced by thoughts of what could’ve been done better or what comes next.
Instead of celebrating, they move the goalposts. This relentless pursuit of “more” prevents them from feeling content, even when they’ve already accomplished a lot.
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How to Heal from Childhood Perfectionism
Breaking free from perfectionism doesn’t mean abandoning ambition—it means learning to value yourself beyond what you achieve. Healing starts with self-awareness and continues with daily practices that challenge old beliefs.
1. Practice Self-Compassion
Perfectionists tend to treat themselves harshly. Cultivating compassion means replacing that inner criticism with understanding.
Dr. Guarnotta suggests listing three things you appreciate about yourself each day—and why. This simple practice shifts focus from flaws to strengths, slowly quieting that inner voice of judgment.
2. Focus on the Process, Not Just the Result
When people only celebrate outcomes, they miss the richness of effort and growth. Shifting focus to how something was done rather than how perfectly it turned out helps rewire old perfectionist habits.
Dr. Guarnotta notes, “Perfectionism tells us that success is all that matters. But when we reflect on the journey, we find satisfaction in learning and progress.”
3. Try Mindfulness
Mindfulness is more than a buzzword—it’s a way to create space between thoughts and reactions. For recovering perfectionists, this space is life-changing.
One effective practice is called “leaves on a stream.” Imagine sitting beside a calm stream, placing each intrusive thought on a floating leaf, and watching it drift away. Over time, this visualization helps you observe perfectionist thoughts without getting swept up in them.
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Final Thoughts
Perfectionism may have once helped a child feel safe or loved, but in adulthood, it often becomes a silent burden. Recognizing these patterns isn’t about blame—it’s about understanding.
By learning self-compassion, celebrating progress, and letting go of impossible standards, adults who once strove to be perfect can finally learn what it means to be enough—flaws and all.
Featured image: Freepik.
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