We’ve all been there: someone gives us a compliment that feels more like a jab, or a friend suddenly disappears after a disagreement. Before the rise of terms like “gaslighting” and “narcissism,” passive-aggressive behavior was already considered socially tricky—but it hasn’t lost its sting.
So, what exactly is passive aggression?
Dr. Robert Yeilding, Psy.D., a clinical psychologist, explains: “Passive-aggressive behavior is an indirect and passive form of communication, which can be verbal or nonverbal. It usually expresses resentment, negative feelings, or aggression without openly saying so.”
In other words, instead of saying, “I’m upset with you,” a person might drop a sarcastic remark, ignore your messages, or give the cold shoulder. This behavior can crop up in every type of relationship—romantic, familial, or professional. And while it might seem minor, over time it erodes trust and closeness.
“Passive-aggressive behavior serves as a relationship-destroying pattern if left unchecked,” Dr. Yeilding warns. Recognizing it—and responding effectively—can save friendships, partnerships, and even your own peace of mind.
Here are eight direct phrases you can use to address passive-aggressive behavior, plus tips on why they work.
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1. “It seems like you’re upset. Can you tell me how you are feeling?”
This phrase blends empathy with directness, two crucial elements for healthy communication. You’re acknowledging that you notice tension while gently inviting the other person to speak openly.
Why it works: It observes behavior without judgment and gives the person a chance to verbalize their feelings. Instead of letting unspoken irritation fester, this phrase opens a constructive channel for dialogue.
Example: Imagine your roommate sighs loudly while you’re washing dishes. Instead of snapping back or pretending not to notice, saying this could prompt them to say, “I’m frustrated because I feel like I’m always cleaning up after you,” allowing you to resolve the issue before resentment builds.
2. “Although you are not saying it, I can tell you are bothered by something. Can we talk about it?”
This phrase calls attention to the unspoken tension while modeling the kind of open, assertive communication you want to encourage.
Why it works: By voicing your perception respectfully, you signal that honesty is welcome. Passive-aggressive people often avoid conflict, but when you create a safe space, they are more likely to share their thoughts directly.
Example: A coworker sends curt emails that seem annoyed. Using this phrase might lead to a conversation where they admit, “I’ve been stressed about the upcoming project deadline,” which resolves the tension and clears the air.
3. “I would really like to talk about how you are feeling right now.”
Putting someone’s emotions at the center of the conversation demonstrates empathy and invites openness.
Why it works: It actively expresses interest in the other person’s experience while nudging them toward clarity. People often give off vague signals of unhappiness, and this phrase encourages them to articulate their feelings.
Example: Your partner makes repeated snide remarks about household chores. Saying this can shift the interaction from subtle digs to a meaningful discussion: “I’ve been feeling overlooked when you make comments about the chores,” which you can then address together.
4. “Can we have a conversation?”
Sometimes, the most effective approach is simplicity. This phrase is straightforward, polite, and assertive.
Why it works: It opens a clear path to a productive conversation without accusing or lecturing. Passive-aggressive behavior thrives in ambiguity, and cutting straight to the point can prevent miscommunication.
Example: After noticing tension at a team meeting, you can approach a colleague with this phrase to clarify expectations and avoid future misunderstandings.
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5. “I can tell you’re upset. Are you willing to talk about what’s going on right now?”
This phrase balances acknowledgment with choice. You’re naming the issue but giving the other person control over how they respond.
Why it works: It addresses the behavior directly while respecting the other person’s pace. Passive-aggressive individuals often resist immediate confrontation, so giving them agency can reduce defensiveness.
Example: If a friend stops returning your texts after a disagreement, this phrase signals your awareness and willingness to discuss things without pushing too hard.
6. “You seem bothered. Am I right?”
A friendly, curious tone invites honesty without judgment. This phrase allows for clarification and helps prevent misunderstandings.
Why it works: It gently encourages the person to verbalize their feelings while checking if your perception is accurate. Misinterpretations are a common source of conflict, and this phrasing keeps the conversation open and non-confrontational.
Example: Your sibling grumbles about weekend plans. Using this phrase could reveal that they feel left out, rather than simply being “difficult.”
7. “I really value honesty and directness in our interactions. Can you clarify what you mean?”
This phrase sets a clear expectation for direct communication and signals your willingness to engage constructively.
Why it works: Passive-aggressive behavior leaves room for confusion and resentment. By asking for clarification, you assert a standard of honesty while keeping the conversation safe and solution-focused.
Example: When a coworker makes a vague critique in a meeting, using this phrase can prompt them to specify actionable feedback, preventing future frustration.
8. “Let’s pause and talk about this before it escalates further.”
Sometimes, taking a moment to pause is the most effective tactic. This phrase prevents minor annoyances from turning into full-blown conflicts.
Why it works: It gives both parties time to cool down and approach the situation with a clearer, calmer mindset. This reduces the likelihood of reactive passive-aggressive behavior and encourages constructive discussion.
Example: During a heated family argument, pausing with this phrase can turn tension into a chance for understanding rather than a shouting match.
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What Not to Do
It may be tempting to fight passive aggression with passive aggression of your own—sarcasm, cold shoulders, or eye rolls—but this usually worsens the cycle.
“Passive-aggressive behavior is confusing to the recipient and often pulls for future cycles of more passive-aggressive behavior,” Dr. Yeilding warns. “Without interrupting it, conflict extends and resentment grows over time.”
Instead, be firm but empathetic. Call out the behavior, model assertive communication, and offer opportunities for clarity. By doing so, you minimize tension, improve understanding, and maintain healthier, more honest relationships.
Featured image: Freepik.
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