Let’s face it: nobody likes being called out. Whether it’s a gentle suggestion or a full-on critique, being told you did something wrong can feel like stepping on a LEGO brick—painful, unexpected, and definitely something you’d rather avoid. But while it’s normal to get a little prickly when under fire, some people take it to a whole new level. These folks tend to dodge blame like they’re in a dodgeball tournament, and often use certain phrases that scream: “It’s not me, it’s you.”
Psychologists have noticed that overly defensive people have a certain linguistic toolkit. These phrases act like shields—protecting their ego, avoiding accountability, and subtly shifting blame onto the person brave enough to bring up an issue. Let’s walk through some of the top phrases that might seem harmless on the surface but actually reveal someone’s discomfort with criticism.
1. “I’m not being defensive, but…”
Ah yes, the classic opener to a defensive monologue. Ironically, saying “I’m not being defensive” is often the most defensive thing someone can say. It’s like saying “I’m not mad” while your face is turning red and steam is coming out of your ears.
Instead of staying open to feedback, this phrase usually signals that someone is ready to dig in their heels. According to psychologist Dr. Seth Meyers, this kind of reaction often comes from people who struggle with vulnerability and want to stay in control—especially when they feel emotionally cornered.
2. “You’re just misunderstanding me.”
Sometimes, people genuinely get misunderstood. But other times, this phrase becomes a convenient way to avoid owning up to poor communication or harmful behavior.
Instead of pausing to clarify or ask questions, defensive people use this as a dismissal. It puts the blame on the other person—you’re the one who didn’t get it, not I’m the one who might’ve messed up my delivery.
As Harvard psychiatrist Dr. Srini Pillay notes, being misunderstood is more than a technical glitch in conversation—it’s about feeling unseen or misjudged. But repeatedly brushing others off with this line can wear down relationships fast.
Read more: Signs That Mean Your Relationship Conflict Is Doing More Harm Than Good
3. “Why are you making such a big deal out of this?”
Translation: Let me downplay your emotions so I don’t have to deal with mine.
This phrase shifts the spotlight from the issue at hand to the other person’s reaction. It’s a clever deflection—making someone feel like they’re overreacting, even if their feelings are completely valid.
Psychology writer Arash Emamzadeh points out that this tactic often stems from a fragile ego. Instead of processing guilt or shame, the person offloads those uncomfortable feelings by making the other person look like the problem.
4. “I guess I’m just a terrible person then.”
Here we go with the dramatic pivot. This phrase turns a potentially constructive conversation into a guilt trip. It’s less about resolution and more about fishing for reassurance: “Please tell me I’m not awful so I can stop feeling bad.”
Psychologists call this tendency to play the victim TIV, or Tendency for Interpersonal Victimhood. It’s a sneaky way to derail the discussion and avoid digging into any real introspection.
But the truth is, no one’s asking them to wear a villain cape. They’re just being asked to take a little accountability—and that’s not a crime.
5. “That’s just the way I am.”
Translation: I’m not changing, so deal with it.
This phrase slams the door shut on growth. It implies that personality traits are carved in stone, which we know isn’t true. People evolve all the time—sometimes because they want to, and sometimes because life gives them no choice.
Clinical psychologist Dr. Diana Hill suggests leaning into discomfort when growing. Yes, it’s hard. Yes, it’s awkward. But it’s also where the magic happens. Using this phrase is like hitting pause on progress and calling it a personality.
6. “Well, you do the same thing.”
The old switcheroo. Rather than addressing what they did, a defensive person might turn the tables and highlight the other person’s flaws. It’s like saying, “I may be messy, but your desk is a disaster too!”
This is known as deflection, and psychologist Dr. Aimee Daramus explains it’s often used to preserve someone’s self-image. The idea is: If I’m not the only one doing it, then maybe it’s not so bad. But all this really does is muddy the waters and slow down any path toward resolution.
Read more: Hearing These Common Phrases In Childhood Could Mean You Were Raised by a Master Manipulator
7. “I was just joking.”
Humor can be a great social tool—or a total cop-out. When someone says something hurtful and then hides behind “just joking,” it puts the burden on the other person to lighten up. That’s unfair.
Sure, jokes can land wrong. That happens. But when someone consistently uses humor as armor, it becomes a way to avoid accountability. A sincere “Sorry, that came out wrong” goes much further than shrugging off someone’s hurt feelings.
8. “Fine, whatever.”
Short. Dismissive. Conversation-ending.
This phrase is a verbal wall—a way to emotionally check out without resolving anything. It usually shows up when someone feels cornered and doesn’t want to engage further, even if the conflict needs attention.
The downside? Shutting things down doesn’t make them disappear. It just sends them underground where they simmer and eventually bubble back up—sometimes worse than before.
9. “I don’t have to explain myself to you.”
This one sounds assertive on the surface, but it’s really another way of avoiding tough conversations. Of course, people are entitled to privacy and boundaries. But when someone’s actions affect another person, refusing to explain those actions can feel dismissive or even hostile.
Explaining isn’t about groveling—it’s about building understanding. If someone always resorts to this line, it might mean they’re avoiding vulnerability or afraid of being judged.
10. “You’re too sensitive.”
This one’s a classic. It not only invalidates someone’s emotions but subtly gaslights them into thinking they’re the problem.
According to author Sophia Dembling, this phrase is often used by people who don’t want to face the emotional impact of their actions. It’s easier to call someone “too sensitive” than to admit, “I may have hurt you.”
But here’s the deal: there’s no such thing as a wrong feeling. Emotions are like alarm bells—they go off for a reason. Brushing them off only damages trust.
11. “I can’t believe you think that about me.”
This phrase might sound heartbroken, but it often acts as a smokescreen. Rather than addressing the concern, the person flips the focus back to their wounded pride. Now the conversation isn’t about the issue—it’s about their hurt feelings.
It’s a subtle way to shut down feedback. The person on the receiving end may feel guilty or second-guess whether they were right to speak up at all. But honest relationships thrive on dialogue, not deflection.
Read more: Gentle Clues That Someone May Be Carrying Loneliness in Silence
Final Thoughts: Defensiveness Isn’t a Life Sentence
Defensiveness is a pretty universal experience. We’ve all said or thought some of these things at some point—it doesn’t mean we’re bad people. But when these phrases become the norm, they block us from growing, connecting, and healing.
If someone you know (or even you yourself) uses these phrases often, it might be worth pausing and asking: What am I trying to protect right now? Learning to sit with discomfort, take feedback, and work through conflict can be tough—but it’s also one of the most rewarding skills a person can develop.
And no, you don’t have to get it perfect. Just don’t hide behind “Fine, whatever.”
Image: Freepik.
